got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize