I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
