More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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