member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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