Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize