do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Blood and glitter go together right?
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize