Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
