If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
