He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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