I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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