I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
