I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize