No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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