I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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