Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
