my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
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