i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
