My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize