U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
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