That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Randomize
