you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
