So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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