there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
