did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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