The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
