What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
