I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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