i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
