why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I'm at about main and main street
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
