And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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