Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize