tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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