my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
This baby is an asshole
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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