she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I'm just crazy horny about you
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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