Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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