I must be too annoying 4 u.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
