A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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