This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
