im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
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