So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
