i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
How does one acquire holy water?
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
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