I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I just googled if crying burns calories
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
