I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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