i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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