I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Ambien. No doubt about it.
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
