when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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