apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize