I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
