just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
