I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Who died my cat blue again?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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