So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
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