omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
