i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
