you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
the day after is always just damage control
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
